"We're better than you. And we know it."
As well as being the slogan to the awesomely funny Ben Stiller movie Dodgeball, this is the catchphrase of 2018's newest annoying trend: the diet hipster.
A breed of humans who insist on pointing out the flaws in your lunch, as they sit across the table from you tucking into their kale-infused zero carb cockwaffle, before telling you how the diet or training program you're doing is so last year.
I'm sure you know at least one person like this, right?
"Everyone needs to follow the Paleo diet.. I've never felt so alive. I wish more people would understand this is how we were meant to live."
Because if you're not living like a caveman and stalking your meat around the aisles of Tesco, are you even serious about losing weight?
I say why stop there?
Why not go even further back in time?
I'm currently trying the Stegosaurus diet.
I only eat green vegetables 65 million years past their sell by date.
Sellotaping 8 plates to my back each morning is a b**ch, sure, but the smug sense of superiority more than makes up for it.
Of course, I'm talking nonsense.
I still eat pizza. I still eat chocolate. And so do all of my personal training clients.
But the dark side of the fitness industry wants you to be in a constant search for the magic weight loss bullet because that's where the money is made. If you aren't insecure or confused, that's not good for business.
And make no mistake, business is booming.
One look at the sales figures for "It Works!" (essentially expensive saran wrap and yes, utter b****cks) will tell you all you need to know.
Heck, even during the recent recession the weight loss industry was one of the few sectors to grow year on year and it continues to do so at a record rate. And confusion about how to lose weight and keep it off has never been higher.
Unfortunately, we live in an age where silly is king.
Learning how to eat sensibly to support your training goals isn't enough (because boring).
Instead, we need to cut out dairy. Or sugar. Or wheat. Or foods which start with the letter G.
Heck, you can make anyone believe anything if you're passionate enough in the way you say it.
For instance, did you know that consuming two bananas a day increases your risk of obesity by a whopping 19%? This is one of the first things I teach my clients. Now the question you've got to ask yourself here is, is Russ telling the truth? Or is Russ being an annoying a**hole to demonstrate his point above? Well, click here to find out.
We are told to stop focusing on the things that matter (calories) and start stressing about diet minutiae like whether we ate kale today, or if we used regular salt or Himalayan rock salt with our lunch.
And so, most of us jump from one extreme diet to the next, in the hope of finally nailing the secret formula that has been avoiding us all this time, or erasing the killer ingredient that's been forcing us to hold on to stubborn belly fat.
Each new diet arrives on the scene with a flurry of celebrity magazine hype and marketing phrases about "cleansing your system" and "how to recalibrate your body".
But after a few months, three interesting things have happened..
First off, the masses have caught onto the new dieting craze and began putting themselves through needless pain and sacrifice in the hope of dropping a few pounds.
Second, science has had a chance to catch up, and dismiss the latest diet craze for the nonsense it is.
We've seen this with every overly-restrictive diet over the years, from Atkins, to juicing, to Paleo, as well as the more extreme end of the scale which features the ludicrous Master Cleanse diet and the downright dangerous HCG diet.
Third, your diet hipster (dipster?) doesn't care. Because the moment you heard about the diet they were on, they moved on to a more exclusive, undiscovered diet that "everyone in LA is doing"..
Now they're only eating strawberries, and avoiding direct sunlight.
(Which makes them even cooler than you. With your calories. And protein. And all your basic human physiology BS..)
Stay safe, people.
And remember, the key rules of losing weight and building muscle are really rather straightforward. Use this article as a solid guide to success.