Remember: We are all unique. Just like everybody else.
Here's seven stereotypical characters you'll typically meet (and hate) in any popular gym.
I'm not talking about you, though. I'm talking about them. Those guys. So not you.
And definitely not me....
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You know the ones.
They turn up at the gym with a full face of make-up and proceed to do more selfies than reps.
And I'd just like to point out that it's not just women who fall into this trap.
In fact, in my experience guys are the worst culprits!
About six years ago when I was working the main desk of a gym, I watched three grown men attempting to find the best camera angle to make them look more muscular. This whole process took them 20 minutes (?!).
PRO TIP! If you spent those 20 minute breaks working hard, you wouldn't need to waste so much time looking for an angle to look more muscular, because you would simply be more muscular.
The other issue here is that you can't filter real life.
(At least, not yet.)
See, it has always puzzled me why some people fool themselves with a false sense of satisfaction gained from photos with misleading angles, treating the gym as some sort of photoshoot opportunity to gain the approval of others. It's all about filters and photoshop rather than simply training harder and eating smarter.
Some folks use so many filters on these images that their social media self barely resembles their their real life self.
If they ever go missing, their milk carton photo is gonna look all kinds of f**ked up.
How to spot your resident model: Guys will be queuing for the magic mirror in the gym bathroom with the lighting that makes everyone look more shredded. Girls will be doing what I like to call Instagram squats. Think duck pout, bum sticking out at near pornographic levels and the token camera phone placed at the bottom of the rack to capture 'Booty Cam'.
So you happened to make the godforsaken error of engaging in conversation with the girl on the treadmill next to you. F**k.
You look on the bright side at first.
You have made a new friend. Maybe morning cardio won't be so dull now, hey?
Three minutes into the conversation you realize you've been spoken an awful lot about yourself and your frustration at the whole weight loss thing. And that's when it dawns on you - she's not talking to you, she's f**king screening you.
Just so happens, Jill is one of the 3 worst people to be trapped in an elevator with.
No, not Satan.
No, not even a vindictive cat with a machine gun.
She's a Juice Plus rep. And now you're stuck with her.
Worse still, she's already added you on Facebook and tagged you in a post about 3 foods you should never eat, and the benefits of weight loss cling film (yep, that's a thing now).
If you take action quickly, she might even throw in a free sample of her latest detox drink, which achieves the seemingly impossible objective of looking worse going in than coming out.
Cue months of training at obscure times just to avoid Jill, even though it totally doesn't fit around your life.
How to spot your resident sales rep: She'll be hanging out in weight loss central - the cardio machines and abdominal area. This is where she finds her most susceptible targets.
Ever had a guy interrupt your workout to ask for some training advice, only to carry on doing exactly what they were doing in the first place?
That's classic Askhole.
Is he saying your tips were s***?
Don't take it personally.
If you watch closely, he likes to go around the whole building finding out how everybody else trains so he can, you know, ignore it.
The Askhole is a distant cousin of another gym character, The Teacher.
While your local Askhole merely listens to you then ignores your advice, The Teacher prefers a much more direct approach.
He stalks the gym floor like a lion, looking for weak antelope who will be too polite to interrupt when he starts telling them they are doing everything wrong and why they need to train the way he trains.
That's a nightmare I hope you never encounter.
How to spot your resident Askhole: You won't need to find him, he'll find you. He'll think nothing of interrupting you mid-set, casually throw gym law out of the window by gesturing for you to remove your headphones, only to disregard anything you say and carry on with his set of full body swinging biceps curls.
Once upon a time, a heavy barbell squat was a great way to train your entire body.
Heck, who am I kidding?! It still is!
Alongside the deadlift and a few other select movements, it's an exercise which has the unique ability of hitting almost every major muscle group in one go.
Nowadays, however, it is not good enough.
You just hit a new PB? Great stuff, Milky Bar Kid, but now try doing it while standing on half a f**king Swiss ball. While drinking a protein shake. On fire.
Yeah, welcome to the world of functional fitness, where no qualifications are required (although a smug sense of superiority is preferable) and your mission is to find a way to perform every exercise on a wobbly surface.
If you want to strengthen your core (i.e. the wall of muscles which make up the trunk of your midsection) then that's a great move, because it has many crossover benefits which will help you in bigger exercises like the squat and deadlift.
But core work is not all you should ever do.
In my recent article Why Functional Fitness Sucks, I explained that the word "functional" has been taken vastly out of context since the late 2000's, with every hack over-complicating their workouts in order to justify why you need to hire them to teach you their mystical ways.
Corebro has been bitten by this bug, and wants to impress you with his array of workout gear that can make a simple biceps curl look like Tom Cruise's latest Mission: Impossible stunt.
Heck, he's so functional even his shoelaces are mini resistance bands.
"Engage your core, bro!"
Anyway, I digress. The common mistake here is that the word functional is often confused with training your abs.
That's not what it really means.
It means your current training is geared around your current training goal.
So a bodybuilder could deem a set of biceps curls functional if his goal is building bigger biceps, and a powerlifter could deem barbell squats functional for, you know, being more powerful.
Likewise, a corebro could deem his insistence on telling people that he is "training for life" functional for achieving his goal of sounding like a complete douche.
How to spot your resident Corebro: He's the Coldplay-looking guy wearing five-finger training shoes and calling food "fuel".
The red face. The crazy eyes. And then you hear it...
I swear I was once about to begin a set when I absolutely s**t myself as the guy on the adjacent bench let out a hiss so loud I thought the number 12 bus had pulled up beside me.
No one knows the true origin of this sound, but The Bus is often seen training besides another great character, The Screamer.
The Screamer classes his ego as a muscle group, one which must be trained every day. You see, it's not just about lifting a heavy-ass weight, it's about you knowing he's lifting a heavy-ass weight.
He's the guy who's Facebook profile lists his place of education as "School of hard knocks".
How to spot your resident bus: remove your earphones, but watch out for The Askhole when you do.
Supp-erman comes to the gym with a big bag that wouldn't make it through customs.
Better yet, he carries that motherf**ker around with him when he trains.
Because he needs his pre / intra / post / mid-set / post-blink BCAA's and whey.
Yup, Suppbro has fallen victim to the number one enemy of any fitness lover - the supplement industry.
The supplement industry wants you to believe that it's impossible to get anywhere on your own. That you need to pop so many pills you make a rattling sound during sexy time.
Worse still, the supplement industry has convinced Suppbro that he's a "hard gainer" and therefore must buy even more products, including a sugar-filled "mass gainer" which is essentially BS in a tub. When in truth the simple issue is that he hasn't ate a decent f**king meal in the last 6 weeks because he's spent over half his wages on supplements.
Suppbro is a close relative of another gym favourite, Captain App-merica.
He arrives at the gym with so many trackers and wearables he could well have spent the morning battling Jean Claude Van Damme on the set of Universal Soldier.
Fair play, you have abs.
I know the sacrifice involved (unless you're one of the many guys who is just skinny, in which case GTFO).
But either you suffer from a medical condition that causes you to sweat profusely and need to use your tee to wipe your brow every time a girl walks by, or you are just being a total cockwaffle.
And my money is on the latter.